Old S.I. Review (April 27, 1987)

Man, it's been a long time since I did an old S.I. review. Too long in fact. As soon as I came across the site of a triumphant Rob Deer in a box of old magazines this past weekend though, I knew what I had to do. Let's jump right in shall we...

Bobby V. Packing Wood
Strong start to this issue with a picture of Bobby Valentine carrying about 30 Rangers bats in the dugout in an attempt to shake them out of a hitting slump next to the table of contents. Probably didn't work though since the '87 Rangers finished in a last place tie in the old AL West.

1987 Toshiba Laptop Specs
Gotta love this copy from an ad for Toshiba's new laptop computer...

The Toshiba is the most powerful laptop you can buy. With a standard 640KB memory that's expandable to 2.6 MB. And a spectacular, high-resolution gas-plasma display that let's you work for hours without getting quint lines. It is an incredible example of Toshiba's technologies in miniaturization.

Zamboni Fan, eh?Check out this fantastic letter from Steve Aureli of Knoxville, Tenn...

Thanks for Leigh Montville's fascinating article on the Zamboni (You're an Old Smoothie, March 30). I've been a Zamboni fan for years. In fact, I used to live in Waterbury, Conn., and when the Whalers were floundering not too long ago, we would go to the Hartford Civic Center and pay good money to see the Zamboni perform. Something resembling hockey was played during the long intermissions."

Things That Sounded Better At The Time
One other thing from the Letters page. Tim and Janet Matthews, a couple from Toronto, sent in a note taking writer E.M. Swift to task for his contention that Canadians, by and large, have low expectations for their athletes in international competitions. First athlete they cite to defend Canada's athletic prowess? Ben Johnson.

Remembering the Fast Start of the '87 Brew Crew
Moving on the meat of the issue, we begin with the feature story about the Milwaukee Brewers starting the season with an 13-game winning streak and a no-hitter from "embraceable lefty" Juan Nieves. Some highlights from that piece...

-Riding an 11-0 start, the Brewers drew 29,357 on Easter Sunday. I don't know what the capacity was at County Stadium but that seems like a low turnout for an 11-0 team.

-Juan Nieves channeling John Kreese..."People probably think this is a joke," Nieves said, "but it's not. It's a taste of what's to come the rest of the way. We're back. No mercy." It's worth noting at this point that Milwaukee finished 3rd in the AL East in '87.

-Did you know Juan captained the baseball, basketball and cross-country teams at Avon Old Farms? That's a fun piece of trivia. I have to admit, I didn't have Juan pegged as an Avon man.

-Best part of the article? I nominate this...

"Shortly before Opening Day, The Milwaukee Journal conducted a telephone survey of Wisconsin residents and found that 74% of them had no idea who the Brewers manager was?"

OK, first of all, a telephone survey to see how many people know the manager? That's awesome. I will pay money for copies of those phone calls. Even better that 74% didn't know though. 74%! That's tremendous.

The 1987 Phoenix Suns...More Sordid than you Remember
I think it's safe to say that the '87 Suns probably benefited from a comparative lack of media scrutiny. Consider the following...

-At the time, the '87 Suns were involved in "the largest single drug bust in the history of professional sports." No fewer than 11 players, past and present, were implicated by Phoenix law enforcement officials, including Walter Berry (a 6-time all-star and the leading scorer in Suns history).

-Berry was not only implicated but largely believed to have snitched on his teammates in the process. Good times.

-Aside from the drug bust, Phoenix police were also looking into allegations that a Suns-Bucks game from February of '87 may have been fixed.

Can you imagine the 24-hour indignation we'd be hearing from talking heads if all that was going on these days? Although....one thing would be the same and that's David Stern's reaction. Stern's quoted in the article and sounds exactly the same back then as he does now. "We've been assured there's nothing to the allegations but we're looking into it..."

The LaFontaine Game
Ahh, the old 4-OT Game 7 Isles-Caps thriller that ended on Easter Sunday. I remember it well. Hadley slept over that night and we watched into the wee hours. I can close my eyes and see Bob Mason standing dazed in the Wasington net after LaFontaine's turn-around slapper. Game over. Series over. Isles advance.

What I didn't remember until reading the article though is that Washington had a 3-1 lead in that series and lost 3rd period leads in Games 6 and 7. Now, that's a tough way to lose a series.

The Nigerian Nightmare
Skipping past articles on the Boston Marathon, Kentucky Derby prep races & a piece about Greg Louganis getting beat a few times at some indoor diving competition, we get a pre-NFL draft scouting report on Christian Okoye. Some highlights...

-Christian's favorite food was a pungent Nigerian stew called fufu.

-The stories of his athleticism and physique are pretty crazy. At the time, he was the African record-holder in the discus and a 17-time All-America in a variety of track & field events. 6'3", 255 lbs with a 34" waist. Ran a 4.45, 40. 35" vertical. Could bench 405 lbs. and could squat 725 lbs.

-Scouting reports were mixed because of his inexperience, as you would expect. Last first-round, early-second round seemed to be the consensus (and that's where he went incidentally...going to the Chiefs early in the 2nd round). Best part of the evaluations is this quote from Reed Johnson (head of player personnel for the Broncos)...

"Think of the acceleration from Asuza Pacific to playing against the Raiders! What a shock."

Ummmm...the Raiders then, or the Raiders now? Because I think Asuza Pacific could've given last year's Raiders all they could handle.

-My other favorite quote comes from Christian himself, after being handed a football for the first time in his life in college. Christian's reaction? "Very interesting....but very impractical."

Dr. Z on the '87 NFL Draft
Dr. Z goes 7 for 28 in predicting the first round of the NFL draft. Nobody ever does much better than that in hindsight. 7 for 28 is actually higher than I would've guessed. His best call, to me, is listing Rich Gannon in his top 5 underrated players section. Says if he went to USC instead of Delaware he'd be a first rounder. Good call on someone that ended up going in the 4th round (to the Pats by the way. We'll see you in at the Snow Bowl game in 15 years, Rich).

(Originally posted on 10 Cent Freeze Pops, 9/30/09)

Lyrics Analysis (Things That Make You Go Hmmm...)

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm...
C&C Music Factory Featuring Freedom Williams
I was at the crib, sittin' by the fireplace
Drinkin' cocoa on the bear skin rug (I'm gonna go ahead and nominate those first two lines for "Best opening lyrics in the history of music." I mean,come on now. How can you top that?)
The door bell rang. Who could it be?
Thought to myself then started to shrug
Got to the door. Ding Dong. Who is it? (You seem genuinely perplexed by this whole thing. Why don't you just go ahead and end the suspense. Open the damn door.)
My girl's best friend had payed me a visit. ("Payed?" Come on, Lyrics World...you're better than that.)
Sly as can be, tight dress and all (I'm not sure "sly" is the right word.Her scheme, which you're about to drop on us, is awfully transparent.)
She knew that I was faithful. I really didn't have the gall. (Great line)
I tried to chilll. She made the move. (Lyrics World put the extra "l" in"chilll" and I'm glad they did. It belongs.)
Now I know my girlfriend wouldn't approve.
I didn't realize my girl was settin' me up
Yo, my girl didn't trust me. No! (Man, you can just feel the pain in his voice. That was cold, girl.)Yeah, but she lost control I wouln't take the bait.
I said chill baby baby chill baby baby wait (First of all, best line in the song. Just...awesome. But, also...did you really say that? Think about it. Think about the scenario. Then think of him dropping that exact line. Makes it even better.)
My girl bust in, Caught us creating a boom ("Creating a boom" is a phraseyou really don't hear enough.)
She said "Girlfriend"?

Things that make you go hmm
Things that make you go hmm
Things that make you go hmm
Things that make you go hmm, hmm, hmm
Things that make you go hmm

Here's how it started
Just an example of how another brother can trample
Ruin your life, sleep with your wife (Dude, maybe your buddy's not the problem. I think it's your wife.)
Watch your behind
There was a friend of mine named Jay
Would come over late at night and say hey (Jay wasn't very articulate.)
I watched the fight. I thought it was alright.
'Cause me and Jay were really really tight (Wow. Those two lines might be the worst lyrics in music history. Horrible. Just horrible.)
So damned close we had the same blood type. (Yeah, you and several million other people. Minimum. If you're O+ or A+ then over 30% ofthe US population alone has the same blood type. Even if you have AB-, the most rare blood type, there are still at least 3 million matches in the US.)
Months went by and my wife got big (Can't say it in a more genteel way than that.)
We were havin' a child and I got another gig
So I let Jay move into the crib and chill (I think the damage is already done at this point anyway.)
He had his own room and helped pay the bills (I would hope he had his own room. Nice of him to help with the bills.)
The time had come (for the baby down to the scene)
It looked like Jay and I couldn't believe (OK, a)are you really going to be able to tell the baby looks like Jay in the delivery room? And b)assuming you could, is it really something that would make you go hmmmm? Seems more like something that would make you go apeshit.)
Before my eyes in the delivery room.

The things that make you go hmm
Things that make you go hmm
The things that make you go hmm, hmm, hmm
The things that make you go hmm
Things that make you go hmm
The things that make you go hmm.

Robbie Rob - break it down! (Always a good suggestion...)

Give it to me Give it to me Give it to me Give it to me (x7)
Give it to me Give it to me

Seventeen and I was havin' a ball
Eleventh grade and "Joe" I knew it all ("Joe I knew it all?" I'm not sure Lyrics World has that quite right. 17 year olds definitely think they know it all though. I agree with that part.)
I fell in love for the very first time
With this girl she really blew my mind
Inner sense and whole lotta class (Got to mean "innocence" here, no? Inner sense? That's crazy talk.)
Style that could give you whiplash (Oustanding)
We said hello and my heart beat stopped
She was the world and I was on top
Time went by, She filled my universe (Wait, so she's the world and you're the universe? I'm getting confused.)
We made love, She said I was the first
My boy kept tellin' me. Yo, I don't know
I think your girl's been playing tic tac toe (I bet Jay was involved.)
I'll ask my girl I know she only loves me
Wasn't I the one who took your viginity? (I love pop songs that rhyme "me" with "virginity.")The look on her face read sorrow and gloom
She said "Yeah, Why do you guys always ask that?" (That doesn't seem to rhyme but that's OK.)

(Chorus)
Things that make you go hmm
Things that make you go hmm
It's the things that make you go hmm

(Repeat Chorus)

Hey ladies
Have you ever had a man
Go away for business, come back with a tan
Comes home late at night from work
You cooked him dinner now you feel like a jerk
Sayin' he didn't have time to eat
And he's not even hungry, he wants to be treat (What? "Wants to be treat?" Has to be another Lyrics World error.)
To the bedroom he said his head hurts
You're only makin' love in radical spurts (What's wrong with that?)
Mysterious calls and the phone goes click
You say to yourself "I'm gonna hit him with a brick" (In the words of Ron Burgandy, "Boy, that escalated quickly...")
Ain't no way he could be cheatin' on me
I wonder who bought him those BVD's (Really wish I had never read that line.)
Dressed to a T to hang with the fellas
Over the guys and I'm getting jealous
Comin' home late smellin' like perfume (fume)

(Repeat Chorus x7) (In retrospect, was that really necessary? Repeating the chorus 7 times? I say no.)

Things that make you go hmmm...

(Originally posted on 10 Cent Freeze Pops, 3/13/07)

Old S.I. Review (April 12, 1993)

For this edition of Old S.I. Review we go with an April, 1993 issue celebrating North Carolina's NCAA title over Michigan in the Chris Webber timeout game. As always, let's begin at the beginning...

Sign O' The Times

First indication we're looking at something from the early-90's? Within the first 5 pages we've already had appearances from Chris Sabo (with goggles), Vendela & Kathy Ireland. Strong start.

Letters

The first highlight from the Letters section is so good I'm just going to go ahead and transcribe the whole thing...

Air Ball?

Wait a minute! You finally give the Cleveland Cavaliers some overdue attention (Can The Cavs Finally Jam? March 15) and they come off as hayseeds from the set of Hee Haw. In Cleveland we love the Cavs as players and, more importantly, as upstanding citizens of our community. Lenny Wilkens will soon be the NBA's winningest coach, and Northeast Ohio knows him as the Knights of Columbus choice for Catholic of the Year. We respect Brad Daugherty for extolling the virtues of Cleveland and a college education on The Arsenio Hall Show. We love Mark Price for his all-out hustle, leadership and marksmenship on the court, and for the example he provides our young people at The Chapel in Akron. We relate to the blue-collar work ethic of Craig Ehlo and Hot Rod Williams's total unselfishness as our super sub, plus the toughness of all our role players - even Danny Ferry, with his continuing struggles.

You missed the hoop on this one. Air ball! The real story behind these Cavs is one of unspoiled and unselfish players who seem to like each other as people and as athletes. That cliche about family values really applies to this special team.

Lyle R. Pohly
Mogadore, Ohio

Wow. So many questions after reading that letter. Like, is that Brad Daugherty-Arsenio Hall footage up on youtube yet? What do you get for winning the Northeast Ohio Catholic of the Year award? And, finally, did Lyle really drop an "Air ball!" taunt in a letter to S.I.?

Moving on, two readers wrote in to comment on a recent article about Bulls GM Jerry Krause. One guy said he thanks Krause for every single Bulls victory and claims his accomplishments are underrated. The other guy calls him a mediocre GM and argues that the Bulls wouldn't be a .500 team without Jordan. You can decide which guy was more right in the final analysis.

Finally, Lawrence T. Stoogenke (great name) of Stamford, CT wrote in to question how Phoenix Suns fans could've left Walter Davis off of their 25th anniversary team. The starting 5, as voted by the fans, was Paul Westphal, Jeff Hornacek, Alvan Adams, Charles Barkley and Tom Chambers. I don't feel like doing a ton of research but that seems like a valid point. Davis is still the all-time leading scorer in Suns history I believe. I'd have ranked him and K.J. ahead of Hornacek.

Bring Back The Smythe

In the Scorecard section, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is praised for getting rid of the old division and conference names and replacing them with "more user-friendly" geographic ones. Screw that. I hated it then and I still hate it now. I'd much rather still have the Adams, Patrick, Norris and Smythe divisions. Not to mention the Wales and Campbell conferences. Who cares if the other way is more "user-friendly?"

Hatin' On Vinny

"Testaverde looks like a quarterback, acts like a quarterback, he even talks like a quarterback. But he's got the heart of a placekicker."
-quote from Tim McDonald in the Florida Times-Union after Vinny left Tampa to sign with Cleveland

Mike Tyson Report

What was Iron Mike up to in the spring of 1993, you ask? Well, he was in prison. And he was reportedly about to convert to Islam and change his name to Malik Abdul Aziz. Which, apparently, he did end up doing according to his Wiki page. Also, according to his Wiki page, Tyson has 7 children: Gena, Mikey, D'Amato, Rayna, Amir, Miguel and Exodus. Awesome.

UNC-Michigan Recap

The cover story by Alexander Wolff, on Carolina's victory over Michigan in the national title game, was focused more on Dean Smith's greatness than Chris Webber's timeout. The headlines and the pictures are on Webber. And there's an insert titled "I Cost Our Team the Game" all about it as well. But the main article was really focused much more on Smith and the Heels.

One thing that was kind of news to me is that Michigan led by 4 with about 4:00 left. I didn't remember that. I thought they were chasing most of the game. But the game was very back-and-forth according to the story. And Michigan actually had a double-digit lead at one point.

Couple good points, which Wolff mentions in the story, on the Webber/timeout stuff.....1)Webber almost definitely traveled before he even took the timeout. 2)UNC had a bunch of fouls to give so, even if he doesn't call that timeout, Michigan's going to have a hard time getting a shot away in the final 10 seconds.

Best part of the story? I nominate these lines...

There also abides in Smith much of the activist spirit that helped integrate lunch counters and campaigned for a nuclear freeze - the man who, like John Stuart Mill, believes that society is perfectible. The coach takes after the public man, and thus his teams are the product of constant refinement.

Gotta respect anyone that can work a John Stuart Mill reference into a game story.

Birth Of The Marlins

Some highlights from Tim Kurkjian's article on the first game in Florida Marlins history, a 6-3 win behind starter Charlie Hough over the Dodgers...

-First AB in Marlins history was Hough against Jose Offerman. Charlie fanned him on 3 pitches.

-From 1982-1989 only Jack Morris won more games in the majors than Hough which, having lived through the 80's, seems semi-impossible to me.

-As of the article, Hough was the only pitcher in major league history to throw at least 375 innings both as a starter and a reliever.

-Chuck Carr, described as "an accomplished breakdancer," claimed he would steal 100 bases and could play CF as well as Andy Van Slyke. So, basically, he was biting Willie Mays Hayes' routine 4 years after Majoe League came out. Didn't do as well as Willie either. Chuck stole 58 bases in '93 which was the only time in his career he cracked 32 steals.

-Pitcher Bob McClure wrote a book called Rotting: The Craze of the 90's. According to Bob the book's about "doing nothing, looking like you're doing nothing, but not feeling guilty about it." It's currently unavailable on Amazon....

http://www.amazon.com/Rotting-Craze-90s-Rott-McClure/dp/0533092094/ref=sr_1_1/103-7848951-2299816?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173150023&sr=8-1

There is one customer review though. From 1998.

-SS Alex Arias used to rub a "red-haired voodoo Trool Doll" for good luck.

More Expansion '93 Tidbits

-Based on the records of previous expansion teams S.I. predicted that neither the Marlins nor the Rockies would have a winning season until at least 2000. Both beat that prediction with ease. The Rockies had 3 winning seasons in a row starting in 1995, including a wild card appearance. And, of course, the Marlins won the World Series in 1997.

-A blurb on Mile High Stadium, the Rockies' home for the 1993 season, speculates on whether the altitude would create a big home-field advantage. No mention of the impact it would have on offensive numbers as a whole though.

Sounded Good At The Time

In an article about the NFL free agency season being marked by numerous big-money deals for O-linemen, comes this this quote from Colts GM Jim Irsay...

"It's been a land rush to get the linemen. But we've got a franchise quarterback in Jeff George, and we're determined to protect our investment."

A year later George was shipped to Atlanta.

Muggsy

Moving on, the next story is a 3-page profile on Muggsy Bogues which, among other things, features a sublime picture of Muggsy trying to set a screen on Bill Laimbeer. I also enjoyed these two quotes from the story...

"People always say we'll probably never see another Larry Bird. But I've always felt we a better chance of seeing another Larry Bird than we do another Muggsy Bogues. Nobody has ever done what Muggsy is doing. And you really don't get the full effect of Muggsy until you go up and stand next to him."
-Hornets coach Allan Bristow

(You can debate the Bird-Bogues stuff all you like. I'm just enjoying the phrase "full effect of Muggsy.")

"Will a midget really bother Patrick Ewing?"
-Former Hornets coach Dick Harter, speaking from his hands and knees, mocking Muggsy and explaining to reporters why he didn't use Muggsy to front Ewing in certain defensive sets.

(Sadly, to this day, I'm not sure we've ever adaquetly answered this question. It's one of life's great mysteries.)

Sounded Good at the Time, Part II

In a story about Rock Newman, manager of then-Heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe, Rock is quoted as saying...

"We're on a roll. The wind's at our back. Everything we've touched has turned to gold."

While the 3 Evander Holyfield fights would ultimately define his career, Bowe would lose the title to Holyfield in their second fight about 7 months after this quote.

Letdown

Biggest disappointment of the issue is probably the one-page "Sports People" story about Shawn Bradley going on his Mormon mission prior to joining the NBA. Surprisingly bereft of any interesting anecdotes. A close runner-up is a big feature story on the history of ceremonial first pitches in major league baseball. Pretty boring for the most part.

NBA Coach Predictions

Finally, let's wrap things up by seeing how successful S.I. was in predicting which NBA coaches had the best chances of getting fired in April of '93....

Most Likely To Go - Ron Rothstein, Pistons

(Rothstein was fired at the end of the '93 season)

On The Bubble - Rick Adelman, Trail Blazers; Bob Hill, Pacers; Randy Pfund, Lakers; Jerry Sloan, Jazz

(Adelman lasted one more year before he was fired. Bob Hill was fired at the end of the season. Randy Pfund lasted until the end of the next season, when he was replaced by Magic Johnson. Jerry Sloan is still coaching the Jazz and is currently the 4th winningest coach in NBA history.)

Resigned To New Roles - Don Nelson, Warriors; Wes Unseld, Bullets

(Nelson lasted two more years in Golden State before jumping to the Knicks. Wes lasted one more year in Washington before getting the axe.)

Safe (Maybe) - Fred Carter, 76ers; Garry St. Jean, Kings; Bob Weiss, Hawks

(Carter was canned at the end of the '94 season. St. Jean lasted until 1997 with the Kings. Weiss went the way of Rothstein, getting fired at the end of the '93 season.)

So, by and large, the predictions were pretty solid. Only big misfire was Jerry Sloan.

(Originally posted on 10 Cent Freeze Pops, 3/4/07)

Old S.I. Review (February 5, 1990)

For this review I decided to grab the first late-January, early-February issue out of a pile to see what was going on this time of year in the past. The issue that came up was this one from 1990 celebrating the 49ers' 4th Super Bowl title. Let's open it up and start plowing through...

Letters
Most of the Letters section is devoted to reader feedback and opinion at the conclusion of the 1989-90 college football season. And, as usual, most people were pissed off. But not everyone. Reader Stuart Wood, from California (naturally), was ready to drop the rankings, have everyone join hands, and sing Kumbaya. To wit...

"This season fans nationwide had reason to celebrate good football. No team is clearly No. 1, so let's call it a winning season for college football and leave it at that."

Sadly for Stuart, they did award a national championship in 1990. And it went, somewhat controversially (there were 4 one-loss teams that year), to the U. A couple readers wrote in to dispute the #1 ranking but the bigger outcry was over Miami's attitude and swagger...

"After watching hours of bowl games and hearing hundreds of statistics on almost every conceivable subject over the recent bowl season, the only question I still have is this: How does the University of Miami afford all the mustard for so many hot dogs?"
-Don Dunn (Booneville, Ark.)

"As a young football coach, recently removed from my college playing days, I find your approval of Miami's antics disturbing. The finger-waggling, talking trash and "silly little dances" have no place on the playing field. That's what cheerleaders are for."
-Mike Godfrey (Seneca, Mo.)

I'm not sure that's what cheerleaders are really for either but point taken, Mike. My favorite letter, however, has nothing to do with Miami. It's from a Tennessee fan...

"The inclusion of Southern Cal in your final Top Five ranking of college football is a joke. Tennessee would beat USC like a drum. Ask UCLA which team it would rather play."
-H. Bruce Guyton (Knoxville, Tenn.)

First of all, love the name H. Bruce Guyton. But what I really love is that H. Bruce took the time to rattle off a letter about who finished #5 in the final SI poll. That's great. Suffice it say that H. Bruce from Knoxville and Stu Wood from California have a slightly different take on the importance of college football. (For the record...Tennessee beat UCLA 24-6 in the opening game of the '89 season, while USC could only manage a 10-10 tie against the Bruins in the finale. Hence, the UCLA line.)

Super Bowl Leftovers
Couple tidbits from the Super Bowl Scorecard section...

-S.I. pretty much nailed it's Hall of Fame predictions for the, at the time, current 49ers dynasty. Said they wouldn't get many. Montana, Lott and Rice were locks. Bill Walsh was probable. Roger Craig was a maybe. That's basically right. Usually when they predict stuff like that there's always a glaring mistake or two.

-Eddie DeBartolo gets a mention for noting that the 49ers "lost a little bit" of money in 1988 and would be lucky to turn a small profit in 1989. Kind of interesting knowing what we know about Eddie now.

-Not losing money were the hotels in New Orleans during Super Bowl week in '90. Le Pavilon, where the Broncos stayed, jacked the price from $69/night to $240/night with a 4-night minimum for Super Bowl week.

-Not sure why it was in this section but there's also a brief blurb about Karl Malone. Seems The Mailman was upset about getting snubbed for the All-Star Game (the fans voted A.C. Green ahead of him) so he decided to take it out on his next opponent, the Milwaukee Bucks, to the tune of 61 points and 18 rebounds in 33 minutes. After the game, which the Jazz won 144-96, Bucks coach Del Harris remarked, "I knew Karl wanted to make a statement. I just didn't know he was going to write a whole book."

Joe Montana Is The Balls

That's basically the main point of the feature article. Nothing too exciting to be honest. Just a lot of (admittedly deserved) talk about how great the offense was against Denver. How they all felt ridiculously confident going into the game after watching the Broncos on film. A dejected John Elway saying, "can't you let a guy sulk in peace," to the paparazzi after the game. A smattering of Matt Millen quotes. Picture of Joe Montana holding up a picture of his daughters in the locker room. Picture of Joe Montana walking onto the field. Picture of Joe Montana scrambling. Picture of Joe Montana talking to Steve Young and Steve Bono at halftime. Picture of Joe Montana eating a hamburger with his dad in the trainer's room after the game. That's about all.

Nine & Nine

From the story on Media Day comes this factoid...As of 1990 Joe Montana, Kenny Stabler and Terry Bradshaw had combined for 9 Super Bowl rings and 9 wives.

The Rise of UConn

Outside a largely unnecessary 3-page story on Jack Nicklaus joining the Senior Tour, the first story after the Super Bowl stuff focuses on a tight Big East race and the emergence of the UConn Huskies. Some highlights from that piece...

-Several mentions of the immortal Nadav Henefeld, described as "a deft outside shooter with the passing and pilfering skills of a much smaller man." The story also describes how "the man they call The Dove" was not rattled by the "lewd woofing" of Alonzo Mourning in a win over Georgetown.

-Another immortal, St. John's Malik Sealy, is summarized in two words..."willowy finesse." Which, if you saw him play in college, kind of makes sense.

-Jayson Williams (the same Jayson Williams who was involved in that incident with the limo driver that was killed with a shotgun on his property) is mentioned in a blurb about St. John's winning at Providence, a place that hadn't be kind to the Redmen in recent years. Oddly enough, this is how he's mentioned...

"Two years ago we lost and I ended up in jail," said Williams, who had been charged with assault - the charge was later dropped - for chucking a chair at a spectator that evening. "Tonight we won, and I'm free."

More College Hoop

Skipping relatively boring articles on the retirement of legendary jockey Bill Shoemaker and the Australian Open (won by Ivan Lendl and Steffi Graf) we come to the College Basketball Report, which includes the following...

-Clarence "Big House" Gaines is profiled after joining Adolph Rupp in the 800-win club. Got to respect a man with the nickname "Big House." 800 wins is a hell of a lot of wins too.

-In the SEC write-up is a note about LSU blowing an 11-point lead to Georgia in the final 5 minutes of a game thanks to missing the front-end of 10 straight one-and-ones.

-Also in the SEC write-up is this bit on the state of the Florida Gators...

Florida, a preseason pick to contend with LSU for the SEC title, thanks largely to 7'2" center Dwayne Schintzius and 6'7" forward Livingston Chatman, staggered into Baton Rouge for last Saturday's game without those frontliners. Chatman had quit the team on Jan. 14, claiming he was "burned out." Last week Schintzius joined him, even though a student review board had forgiven him for his role in a fraternity-house fracas on Jan. 13. DeVoe, however, said he wouldn't take Schintzius back from a suspension that began on Jan. 15 unless he lost weight and got a haircut. Schintzius got a trim, then quit anyway."

-And, finally, The Small College Player of the Week was Shawnee State's Joe Smith. Among his accomplishments for the week were 19 points in an 88-87 defeat of Dyke College. Insert your own joke here.

(Originally posted on 10 Cent Freeze Pops, 1/26/07)

Old S.I. Review (November 21, 1988)

This edition focuses on an issue from November of 1988 with the inspired headline of "WHOA!" in honor of the Saints victory over the LA Rams in a key NFC West matchup. Let's jump right in....

No, Seriously...What If?

Towards the front of the issue there's a story written by a guy who was in the Stanford Band back in '82 and was on the field for the famous play against Cal. It's written kind of tongue-in-cheek. He talks about what the scene was like, how he may have been responsible for leading the band onto the field, how he should've tackled him and how he feels bad about it to this day even though, ultimately, it brought a lot of attention to the band and was "the best thing that ever happened to us."

It's the "should have tackled him" part that piques my interest though. Because, what I'm wondering is...seriously...what have happened if, by some freak of nature, a band member (or two...or six) had brought him down? Honestly? Would the refs have awarded him a TD because he was going to score? Would they have given a penalty and had another play? What the hell is the correct ruling on something like that?

US Olympic Gold on TBS

This show's still on the air, isn't it....

The Turner Broadcasting System announced that it will produce a weekly show called US Olympic Gold featuring world-class competition. The show will debut on superstation TBS on Jan. 7 with a boxing matchup between the U.S. and South Korea. "We hope every Olympic sport will appear at least once in the first 12 to 18 months, and that some will appear on a six-, eight- or nine-times-a-year basis," TBS senior executive vice-president Robert Wussler said.

Week 11 NFC West Showdown (Between Two Teams That Would Not Win The NFC West)

The cover story is the game recap of the Week 11 battle for first place in the NFC West in '88 between the Rams and the Saints in L.A. Both teams came into the game with matching 7-3 records and a 1-game lead over the 6-4 49ers. The Saints won the game 14-10 behind a stingy defensive effort and a few sweeps from Rueben Mayes much to the dismay, I would assume, of Magic Johnson, who appears in the article wearing a blue satin Rams jacket on the LA sideline.

Couple good quotes from the article...

"I'm a coverage linebacker and those aren't the guys who make All-Pro or get the Pro Bowl votes. Sacks are what people look at. I've taken pride in my coverage, being able to run downfield with a Gary Anderson or a Herschel Walker. When I was with Jacksonville, I made All-USFL, but who remembers something like that?"
-Saints L.B. Vaughan Johnson (Good question, Vaughan. Who does remember something like that?)

"This win was much bigger than big. This was a gigantic win for the Saints."
-Coach Jim Mora

And it seems as though S.I. agreed with Coach Mora. Here's the final paragraph of the story...

The remainder of the Saints' schedule is rough but not impossible - the Denver Broncos and the New York Giants at home, followed by the Minnesota Vikings and San Francisco 49ers on the road and the Atlanta Falcons in New Orleans. Now that the Saints have a one-game lead in the NFC West, you get the feeling that they'll be tough to dislodge. Maybe that's what Mora meant when he talked about Sunday's "gigantic" victory.

Well, as it turns it, that win wasn't so gigantic in the end. After bombing Denver 42-0 the next week the '88 Saints would limp to the wire losing 3 of their last 4 to finish 10-6 and in a 3-way tiebreaker with L.A. and San Francisco atop the division. San Fran not only won that tiebreaker...they'd eventually go on to win the Super Bowl. L.A. finished 2nd in the tiebreaker and ended up getting beat by the Vikings in a wild card game. The Saints didn't make the playoffs.

Everyone Hated The Hogs

The strangest story in the issue was about an Arkansas football team that, at the time, was 10-0 and, apparently, almost universally despised. The article claims that even their own fans didn't like them that much because they played boring football under coach Ken Hatfield, who everyone seemed to dislike, and because the old Southwest Conference was considered such a joke by then that Arkansas was ranked 9th behind no less than 5 one-loss teams.

(Incidentally, Arkansas would lose to two of those one-loss teams in their last two games - Miami in the regular season finale and UCLA in the Cotton Bowl - to finish the year with a 10-2 record.)

In any event, the story recaps the Hogs' 25-20 win over a Texas A&M team that began the year as a national title contender but, after the loss, had free-fallen to 5-5. I don't know much about that '88 Aggies squad offhand but if this description of the pregame scene in their locker room is any indication, it doesn't sound like there was too much fight left in them at this point...

Coach Jackie Sherrill tried to get his troops fired up by writing PARTY TIME on the chalkboard. No reaction. He talked about ruining the Razorbacks' homecoming; he told his charges, "We're bringing a skunk to their party." No one stirred. Finally, he shouted in exasperation, "You guys act like you're going to your own funeral. From the back of the room, a player responded, "Naw, we're going to theirs."

How Sweet It Was
Sugar Ray Leonard KO'd Donny Lalonde and savored every brutal second of it

That's an actual headline from this issue. I have nothing to add.

Free Smokes

Question: Is there a giant pop-ad for Camel Cigarettes in the middle of the issue that includes a coupon for a free pack of Camels, any style, no questions asked?

Answer: Why yes. Yes, there is.

Articles That Failed To Impress

The story of a foreign tour of major league baseball all-stars to Japan. The story of Curtis Strange winning the Nabisco Championships at Pebble Beach. A story about Seattle offensive lineman Bryan Millard and his dual passion for football and bass fishing. A story about Roger Penske. A story about Doc Blanchard (Mr. Inside), Glenn Davis (Mr. Outside) and the glory days of Army football.

Down Times For Ohio Football

Also failing to impress, back in '88, was college football in the state of Ohio. The Inside College Football section noted that Toledo, at 6-5, was the only team in the state with a winning record. Ohio State was 4-5-1 with a game to go. Combined, the eight Division 1-A teams in the state, went 15-40 against out of state competition. Funny how things like that go in cycles.

Beat Burritos?

Inside College Football also has a little blurb about some racially-charged incidents that took place over the course of a few weeks at different games in the fall of '88 across the country. Some BYU players were accused of taunting San Diego State players with racial slurs. Some Indiana fans were accused of doing the same to some Iowa players. And then there's this bizarre story...

Of the five schools in Tijuana, Mexico that play American style football, only the private Centro de Ensenanza Tecnica y Superior sends its team across the border to play in the U.S. At a recent game against Coronado (Calif.) High, which is 20 miles away from San Diego, the Tijuana players had to endure chants of "B-E-A-T B-U-R-R-I-T-O-S" by the Coronado cheerleading squad."
Obviously, the racial aspect of that story is disgusting. But "Beat Burritos?" That doesn't even make sense.

Faces In The Crowd

Hey, we've finally got a recognizable name in the Faces in the Crowd section. It's Malivai Washington, who got a mention for winning the NCAA singles title for Michigan as a Sophomore.

A Promo For The Ages

Finally, here's my favorite thing in the entire issue. Buried towards the back is a full-page ad for ESPN's Sunday Night Football. And here's the copy for that ad...

MIAMI WELCOMES THEIR OLD FRIENDS FROM NEW ENGLAND WITH OPEN ARMS.
PATRIOTS VS. DOLPHINS

Casual embrace or half nelson? Find out November 20 as the Dolphins greet their division rivals, the Patriots, on NFL Sunday Night Football at 8PM (ET). This friendly exchange is preceded by NFL PrimeTime at 7PM. So tune in Sunday and see Miami's 11-man Welcome Wagon in action.

That's awesome.

The Pats won that game 6-3 by the way. So I guess it was more of a casual embrace from Miami.

(Originally posted on 10 Cent Freeze Pops, 11/10/06)

Old S.I. Review (December 6, 1993)

13 years later it seems awfully hard to believe but, yes, the cover story from this issue really did pose the question, "Can the NFL Be Saved?" Peter King wrote it around a framework of 10 problems facing the league at the time along with his solutions. Interesting read. Some of it comes off pretty funny but overall it's not as off-base as you might guess. Anyhow, I'll get to that shortly. Let's start tackling the issue from the beginning....

Puttin' On The Ritz

If you're looking for a giant, dimly-lit picture of Lenny Dykstra talking on the phone from a hotel bed at the Paris Ritz while his wife Terry stares off into space, well, look no further. That was the big Contents page photo in this issue. Makes you wonder what they passed on if that was the best that could do.

"Might" is the Key Word

The highlight of the Letters page is a submission from reader Donald Schmitz of San Jose nominating race-car driver Nigel Mansell for 1993 Sportsman of the Year. After listing some of Nigel's incredible (his word, not mine) accomplishments Donald wraps it up by stating, "Mansell might be the biggest British import since the Beatles." Ummm, sure. If you say so.

L.T. on the NASDAQ

The Scorecard section has a tremendous blurb about Lawrence Taylor's fledgling company, All-Pro Products. Described as "one of the hottest new stock offerings of 1993," All-Pro opened at $5 per share on November 9th and was trading at $15.50 on the NASDAQ by November 26th. Rumors had it that L.T., about to enter the final year of his contract with the Giants, was so pleased with All-Pro's hot start that he was considering forsaking $2.5 million and walking away from football.

And what, you ask, did All-Pro sell? Well, the company had one product in the winter of 1993, a sports drink called Metro-Pro, which was marketed as "an urban drink for males." Unfortunately, Metro-Pro is also described in the piece as having "a less than pleasing taste." All of which helps to explain why All-Pro was operating with "a total revenue of $36,220" since inception and "losses of over $900,000."

But despite those discouraging financials, All-Pro was forging ahead. L.T. "and his associates" were said to be tinkering with a new formula for Metro-Pro. And, what's more, plans were underway to develop "a virtual-reality home entertainment system," although the prospects for that venture were considered uncertain, "given that no one connected with All-Pro has experience in developing that media."

Sadly, I'm sure you can guess how this all turned out in the end. Here's the section of timeline from L.T.'s bio on espn.com that covers this era in his life...

-L.T.'s No. 56 was officially retired at halftime of the Giants-Vikings Monday night game on Oct. 10, 1994.

-Needing money, Taylor wrestled Bam Bam Bigelow in Wrestlemania XI for $500,000 in April 1995.

-Also in 1995, his business, All-Pro Products, collapsed. Because of stock fraud by two former traders, the company was worth practically nothing. It had been valued at $10.8 million after going public in 1993. L.T. lost several hundred thousand dollars.

Poor L.T. One minute you're getting your number retired and riding high in the stock market and the next minute your wrestling Bam Bam Bigelow to pay the bills.

I'm sure it all seemed like a good idea at the time.

Raffy vs. Will Clark

The Scorecard section also has a brief mention of the Texas Rangers deciding to sign Will Clark as a free agent and let Rafael Palmeiro walk. The move is largely praised on the grounds that numbers don't mean everything and that Clark will get in the faces of guys like Juan Gonzalez, Ivan Rodriguez and Jose Canseco and teach them how to be winners.

The best is Raffy's reaction, described thusly...."Palmeiro blasted the Rangers for signing a "mediocre" player, then inexcusably ripped his former Mississippi State teammate, saying Clark had "no class" and was a "lowlife."

Yeah, because you're such a class act, Raffy. See you in Congress....

Fixing the N.F.L.

On to Peter King's story on the ailing state of the N.F.L. The opening paragraphs of the story paint a picture of professional football in the winter of 1993. Steve DeBerg and his "dental floss arm" was trying to keep the Dolphins in the AFC East race with Dan Marino out. Northern Exposure was seen a legit threat to the ratings of Monday Night Football. Deion Sanders, described as "the rascal that half of us love and half of us love to hate," was missing time with the Braves. And no less an authority than broadcaster Matt Millen (Matt Millen!) was quoted as saying, "Is it just me, or is this the worst football we've ever seen?"

Peter then tosses out 10 problems facing the league along with his solutions. Let's quickly run them down:

Problem #1: Parity is a monster unleashed.

Solution: Exempt the two highest salaries on every team from counting against the payroll.

Comments: That's actually not a bad idea. Even today. I wouldn't mind tweaking the system to allow teams an opportunity to hang on to a few veterans that would otherwise be too expensive. It's just funny to see parity, which is almost always cited as one the NFL's greatest strengths today, being lamented for damaging the league just 13 years ago. And it's even funnier when the guy talking about it is Matt Millen..."Parity is fine, if we have good teams beating each other. But bad teams with good records are beating each other, and usually the games are full of sloppy play." I don't like sloppy play either, Matt. If only they would let you run your own team...

Problem #2: One quarterback injury and a contender falls like a house of cards.

Solution: Use the World League to stockpile bright, young prospects and give guaranteed contracts to backup QBs.

Comments: First of all, you have to love any solution that involves the World League. That's always a good idea. But what's even better is the list of backup QBs from playoff contenders that Peter rattles off in this section. Check out these beauties...Ty Detmer (Packers), Tommy Maddox (Broncos), Kent Graham (Giants), Browning Nagle (Jets) and Peter Tom Willis (Bears).

Problem #3: The double byes are a double disaster.

Solution: Get rid of them.

Comments: Amen. And they did. No need for a team to get two byes per season.

Problem #4: There are more good college games on TV than pro games on a given weekend.

Solution: Allow NY and LA to get an extra TV game so they're not penalized for having two NFL teams. Give networks the ability to switch good games to prime time slots later in the year.

Comments: Well, that second part of that solution is about to come true in a few weeks. As to the first part, I imagine LA became less of a concern when they lost both franchises. Overall, I guess this is still a concern but I've got the NFL package on Directv so I'm not as worried about it myself. I might be singing a different tune if I got caught in that Atlanta-Pittsburgh bonus coverage mess on CBS last weekend.

Problem #5: Kickers are becoming too good.

Solution: Add the two-point conversion.

Comments: Kickers were too good 13 years ago? And that would be solved by adding two-point conversions? I'm not sure I understand.

Problem #6: Unlimited substition is killing offense.

Solution: Only one offensive and defensive sub allowed per play.

Comments: Apparently, nobody was going no-huddle in 1993.

Problem #7: There’s not enough big plays.
Solution: See Problem #6. Get rid of unlimited substitutions.

Comments: I had no idea unlimited substitution was such a big deal. When did this stop becoming a big concern? Or is still a big problem and I’m just not aware of it?

Problem #8: Artificial turf causes too many injuries
Solution: Get rid of it.

Comments: Amen.

Problem #9: The 40-second clock is causing offenses to misfire.Solution: Add 5 seconds to the play clock.

Comments: The best part of this one is that the immortal Jack Trudeau of the Colts is cited as having wanted to audible 4 times in a recent game against Cincy but felt he couldn’t do it because the play clock was winding down. As if Jack Trudeau’s inability to audible was a legit concern. Jack Trudeau!

Problem #10: The game has no character and almost no color.
Solution: Do a better job marketing the players.

Comments: Here’s the actual first line of Peter’s final solution for the NFL…"Follow the NBA’s lead.” When’s the last time you heard that advice? Yikes. But that’s as good a line to end with as any. The NFL is king of the hill now. 13 years ago? "Be more like the NBA." Classic.

The Wit and Wisdom of Tomba La Bomba

Couple good quotes from the legendary Alberto Tomba in an article about the 1993 World Cup of skiing.

On his prospects of winning gold in the upcoming Lillehammer games…

“Everybody expects Alberto to win because he win gold before, but I cannot say what I can do.”
And on rumors of his retirement in the wake of Michael Jordan’s departure from the Bulls…

“As I understand, he stop because stress from the press is too much for him. For me, too, in Italy. He is a great champion in U.S. Me too, in Italy. Maybe the solution is this: He goes to Italy and plays basketball, and I stay here and ski.”

Midseason Report on the 1993-94 Sonics

The 1993-94 Sonics will forever be remember for losing as the #1 seed in the West to the 8th seeded Nuggets in a famous first-round upset. S.I. did a profile on them in this issue back in December of that year. Some highlights from that piece…

-"We’re crazy at times. We yell and cuss at each other maybe more than most teams.” –George Karl

-“If we were happy all the time, we wouldn’t be the Sonics.” –Gary Payton

-A story about Shawn Kemp trying a crazy spin move in the post against Billy Owen that resulted in an offensive foul, followed by Karl telling him to “just play basketball,” followed by Kemp swearing at Karl.

-Tons of praise for offseason acquisitions Detlef Schrempf and Kendall Gill. Probably too much praise in retrospect.

-Genuine debate about whether their go-to guy in the clutch was Schrempf, Kemp or Ricky Pierce.

-The last line of the story talking about Seattle going deep in the playoffs. Didn’t quite work out that way. Unless you consider a 5-game opening round series a deep run.

The Bowl System Sucks: 1993 Edition

While the image of the NFL might have been different 13 years ago you can take comfort in knowing that everybody hated college football’s postseason just as much then as they do now if not more. The 1993 regular season ended with two undefeated teams, Nebraska and West Virginia, but the Mountaineers were shut out of the Orange Bowl, and a shot at the national championship, in favor of Florida State.

Here’s what West Virginia coach Don Nehlen had to say about it…

“It’s the biggest misjustice in the world.”

And then added the following in reference to FSU’s November loss to Notre Dame…

“To have the opportunity to play for the national championship the good Lord says you’ve got to do every single thing right for 11 straight weeks.” And Florida State, in his mind, “didn’t get it done.”

Other voices in the article include Bobby Bowden, who summed up his 33-21 win over Florida thusly, “Almost a rout and almost close,” and Michael Wilbon, who called Nebraska, “the second biggest fraud in college football every single solitary season.” His number 1 fraud? Michigan.

Nails in Europe
In the feature on Lenny Dykstra touring Europe in the offseason as a goodwill ambassador for baseball come these two quotes….

“Now, Paris is France. But London, that’s just London, right? It’s just London?”-Lenny, working on his geography

“My goal is to build a financial empire. I know people laugh about all the stuff I say and do. But believe me, before I take a dirt nap, I’m going to build myself a financial empire.”

Inside The NFL

Prolific issue from Peter King who, in addition to his cover story, still found time to do his weekly Inside the NFL piece. And the lead story there was, ho hum, a story about Drew Bledsoe’s growing pains under Bill Parcells. Honest to God. 13 years ago and that was the story. Drew’s a good kid. He’s learning. Getting better. Still makes mistakes. Etc, etc. And you wonder why Parcells might be frustrated with him now. He was having the same conversations 13 years ago.

Another tidbit I enjoyed was a blurb about Barry Sanders missing time with an injury and this quote from Lions coach Wayne Fontes…"A lot of people are counting us out but we’ve won without Lomas Brown. We’ve won without Herman Moore. We’ve won without Pat Swilling. We can with without Barry.” Well, yes and no. The ’93 Lions went 3-2 down the stretch without Barry and won the NFC Central but were bounced in the first round of the playoffs.

Finally, here’s SI’s Top Ten Power rankings with records at the time…

1) San Francisco 8-3 (Finished 10-6 and lost in the NFC title game)
2) Dallas 7-4 (Finished 12-4 and won the Super Bowl)
3) Miami 9-2 (Finished 9-7 and missed the playoffs)
4) Kansas City 8-3 (Finished 11-5 and lost the AFC title game)
5) Buffalo 8-3 (Finished 12-4 and lost in the Super Bowl)
6) Houston 7-4 (Finished 12-4 and lost a Divisional game)
7) Pittsburgh 6-5 (Finished 9-7 and lost a wild card game)
8) N.Y. Jets 7-4 (Finished 8-8 and missed the playoffs)
9) N.Y. Giants 8-3 (Finished 11-5 and lost a Divisional game)
10) Denver 7-4 (Finished 9-7 and lost a wild card game)

Wheatley vs. Faulk

Reprinted from Inside College Football in a section comparing two players by talking to teams that played against both of them in the regular season...

Wheatley vs. Faulk. Minnesota coach Jim Wacker, defensive coordinator Marc Dove and two defensive starters were each asked which back he would pick if he were an NFL general manager. The result: Wheatley 3, Faulk 1. "Faulk tried too hard to make big plays," said Gopher middle linebacker Russ Heath. "Wheatley likes the big play, too, but knows when it's not there and comes up with some sort of gain."

Career NFL stats:

Wheatley - 124 games, 4,962 yards rushing on 1270 carries, 3.9 yard per carry average, 40 rushing TDs, 125 catches for 900 yards and 7 TDs.

Faulk - 174 games, 12,279 yards on 2836 carries, 4.3 yard per carry average, 100 rushing TDs, 767 catches for 6,875 yards and 36 TDs.

 

(Originally posted on 10 Cent Freeze Pops, 10/26/06)

Lyrics Analysis (Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car)

Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car

By Billy Ocean

Hey you, get in to my car (How romantic)
Who me?
Yes you, (...couldn't be! Then who?)
Get in to my car
Woooooooooh. Wah! Hey! (That's poetry, folks)

Who's that lady
Coming down the road (I don't know but I hope she likes automobile metaphors.)
Who's that lady
Who's that woman
Walking through my door (Odd line considering Billy spends the rest of the song begging this lady/woman to get into his car.)
What's the score (Looks like it's 4-0 Mets heading into the 8th. Why do you ask?)
I'll be the sun
Shining on you (That seems very unlikely.)
Hey Cinderella
Step in your shoe (Awesome)
I'll be your non-stop lover (Tempting offer but does anyone really need/want a "non-stop lover?" I mean, that sounds awfully tiring if nothing else.) Get it while you can
Your non-stop miracle (Someone's not short on self-confidence.)
I'm your man

Get outta my dreams
Get in to my car
Get outta my dream
Get in the back seat baby (Why the back seat? That's a little weird. Do you want to play taxi driver or something? I mean, I don't know. Why not just let her sit in the passenger seat?)
Get in to my car
Beep Beep, yeah (Maybe the best part of the entire song. The background singers that breathlessly belt out this line, and others, in the choruses are absolutely tremendous. Cheesy and hilarious and tremendous.)
Get outta my mind
Get in to my life
Ooooooh
Oh I said hey (Hey) you (You)
Get in to my car

Oh baby

Lady driver
Let me take your wheel (And what, precisely, does that mean? I guess you could claim the "wheel" is symbolic of the direction of this woman's life or some nonsense like that and say that Billy wants to fill a void for her or whatever. I think that gives Billy too much credit. Way too much credit. My best guess? Billy wants to touch her private parts and this is his attempt to make his intentions known without coming right out and saying it.)
Smooth operator (Nice homage to Sade)
Touch my bumper (Bumper) (I'm sorry. Did you just say 'touch my bumper?' I'm speechless.)
Hey, let's make a deal (When did this turn into a game show?)
Make it real
Like a road runner
Coming after you (Isn't the road runner usually running away from the the coyote?)
Just like a hero
Outta the blue (You know what, Billy? You get in this girl's pants, then you are a hero.)
I'll be your non-stop lover
Get it while you can
Your non-stop miracle
I'm your man

Get outta my dreams
Get in to my car
Get outta my dreams
Get in the back seat baby
Get in to my car
Beep beep, yeah
Get outta my mind
Get in to my life
Ooooh
Oh I said hey (Hey) you (You)
Get in to my car (Pretty sure that makes 18 lines that start with the word "Get" so far in case you were wondering.)

Oh baby, lets go!

I said open the door
(Get in the back) (Again...why such a big deal that she sits in the back?)Tread on the floor (That's just a non-sensical phrase.)
(Get on the track) (And so is that)
Yeah (Yeah) yeah (Yeah)
Yeah (Yeah) yeah (Yeah)
Let's go!!
Oooh, wooow, yeah
I'll be the sun
Shining on you
Hey Cinderella
Step in your shoe
I'll be your non-stop lover
Get it while you can
Your non-stop miracle
I'm your man

Get outta my... get outta my...
Woooooooooh
Get out my dreams

(Originally posted on 10 Cent Freeze Pops, 10/16/06)

Old S.I. Review (December 8, 1980)

Decided to go a little bit older for this week's S.I. review. This one's from December 1980. The coverboy was Vince Ferragamo, the disgruntled (at the time) QB of the Rams, in the season after leading L.A. to a Super Bowl loss to the Steelers. Sugar Ray Leonard had just become the welterweight champion of the world, Georgia was ranked #1 in the college football polls, DePaul was the #1 college basketball team in the land & HBO was advertising a brand new concept of "no cut, no commercial" entertainment.

Let's have a look inside...

Booze, Cars & Smokes

The first thing that struck me when I started flipping through this issue, even before any of the sports content, was the ads. And what I couldn't help but notice was that...almost every freaking ad was for a car, booze or cigarettes. And, yeah, you'd kind of expect that I suppose. But I'm talking, you couldn't go three pages without seeing one. So I counted them. And here's the final tally. 15 ads for booze. 10 cigarette ads. 9 for cars. Almost a quarter of the entire magazine was an ad for one of those things.

Scorecard Wrap-up

Lots of good stuff in the Scorecard section in the front of the issue. Some highlights....

-"To tell you the truth, I'm not too thrilled."
-Twins president Calvin Griffith on the prospect of moving into the Metrodome for the 1982 season.

-There's a section on the state of the baseball card market. Here are some of the 1980 quoted prices vs. (in red) current ebay asking prices:

1979 Bob Horner rookie: $2.50 ($2.25)
1979 Willie Wilson rookie: $1.50 ($0.99)
1980 Ricky Henderson rookie: $0.75 ($20-$40 depending on condition)
1975 George Brett rookie: $7 (about $50)
1967 Brooks Robinson: $97 (about $30)

-Described as "the Nevada whiz kid," 19 year-old Greg LeMond got a mention in a bit about the rising fortunes of U.S. cycling. The blurb also claims that Jacques Boyer was set to become the first American to ever ride in the Tour de France in the summer of '81. My question. Is that true? No Americans competed in the Tour de France until 1981?

-Jerry Buss, portrayed as a "celebrated ladies' man," had this to say about the possible effects of pay TV on ticket prices to professional sporting events...

"I think stadiums will eventually become TV studios. Spectators may get in for $1 or so."

You have to admit, Jerry pretty much nailed that one on the head. Ticket prices have definitely gone down in the last 26 years thanks to pay TV.

-"I understand the TV show That's Incredible! has been filming on the USC campus. They shot 12 football players attending class at the same time."
-Washington State hoops coach George Raveling

Ba dum dum! Gotta love a good early 80's zinger. Good work, George.

No mas

The lead story is the Sugar Ray Leonard - Roberto Duran "no mas" fight that tarnished the champ's legacy and re-established Sugar Ray at the top of the boxing world after his '79 loss to Duran. Much is made of Leonard's "fake bolo" punch in the 7th round and Duran's "Latin American machismo," but my favorite part was author William Nack's recap of the pre-fight diets of both fighters (since some claimed stomach cramps, caused by overeating, played a part in Duran's decision to quit). According to Nack, here's what Duran ate on the day of the fight...

Breakfast: Large thermos of consomme, half a thermos of hot tea and an orange.
Lunch: Two T-bone steaks, french fries, four glasses of orange juice, two glasses of water and a glass of tea.
Dinner: Half a steak and tea.

I'm no expert but it does seem like lots of steak and tea was maybe a bad idea before a championship fight. Roberto's camp swore he ate like that before every fight though so who knows?

"Louisville's Living Legend"

My favorite article, by a landslide, was a piece on Utah Jazz rookie guard Darrell "Dr. Dunkenstein" Griffith. Griffith, who would go on to win the Rookie of the Year that season, was hailed for leading Utah to a 13-11 start after a 4-20 start the year before. His game was described as "a little bit of Earl Monroe on David Thompson's legs, with Jerry West's penchant for doing big things late in games."

One highlight for me is the story of Darrell dunking on the Spurs' George Gervin...

Against San Antonio, he helps George Gervin miss 19 of 23 shots, swats two of them away and scores 29 himself. One of his baskets comes on a flying, screaming slam-dunk - the ball triggered from his right ankle - that nearly removes one side of Gervin's face. The play so excites Jazz Guard Billy McKinney that after the game he requests stomach medication.

And another highlight is a story about Griffith dunking over a Belgian player in an exhibition game played in Bulgaria when he was a freshman at Louisville which includes this quote from Griffith regarding his post-game press conference with Eastern bloc reporters...

"I told them it was a God-given talent. That confused them because I don't think they believe in God."

(According to Wikipedia, basically the entire country of Bulgaria are Christians under the Bulgarian Orthodox Church.)

"In your face, Red!"

But the best part of the Griffith article is the utterly misplaced hubris of Jazz announcer Hot Rod Hundley and GM Frank Layden in thinking they had pulled one over on Red Auerbach and the Celts. To wit:

"If you want to name one reason - one reason - why the Jazz are so much better, it's got to be Darrell Griffith," says broadcaster Hot Rod Hundley. "He's great, and I'm the guy who believes there hasn't been a great guard in this league since Oscar, Cousy and West retired. In your face, Red Auerbach!"

(Quick note-Magic Johnson was in his 2nd year in the league at this point. He wasn't a great guard?)

In your face, indeed. The Boston general manager could have had Griffith if he hadn't traded the first pick in the college draft to Golden State for Robert Parish and the Warriors' first-round choice, the third in the draft. Auerbach figured the Warriors would take Purdue's Joe Barry Carroll and that Utah, picking No. 2, would draft Minnesota's Kevin McHale. Cagey Red would then take Griffith. At least this seemed to be what Auerbach wanted when he talked to Jazz General Manager Frank Layden.

"Red kept calling me up, saying, "I know you're going to take McHale. He's terrific. You can't pass up a big center," recalls Layden. "I kept telling him we wanted Griffith, even before Red traded his first pick away. He must have thought I was bluffing. In my wildest dreams I can't see why Boston did not keep the No. 1 choice and take Griffith.

Yeah, you guys really got the better of Red on that one. Parish and McHale never panned out at all.

Ferragamo Quotes

The Ferragamo piece in a nutshell...talented guy having a good season but mad about being underpaid and unappreciated. A few choice quotes from the article...

"Ferragamo throwing the ball is like Mozart working a sheet of music - the performance is classical."

(Looking back, that may have been overstating it a little bit.)

-"I rate myself at the top. I'd like to get paid accordingly. But I'm not writing the check. If they have respect for you, you'll get paid. If things don't work out, we've got Canada or the free agent market."
-Vince on Vince

(And he wasn't kidding about Canada. He ended up signing with Montreal.)

-"I'm like Frankenstein. I've created a monster. Ferragamo believes he's as good as I've been telling him he is. The trouble with Vince is that the last guy who talks to him has his brain. And he hears voices everywhere."
-Vince's former attorney, Paul Caruso

Great Alaskan Strip Joint Review

Finally, in a surprisingly long write-up on the Great Alaska Shootout (won by James Worthy and UNC) is this gem from Louisville's Derek Smith...

When Derek Smith journeyed to Anchorage two years ago with the Louisville Cardinals, he participated in such cross-cultural activities as snowmobiling, dogsledding, ice fishing and bobsledding. "One night we went out looking for hambugers, and I ended up in a striptease joint called The Booby Trap," recalls Smith. "I hope it's not closed; I'm looking forward to going back."

(Originally posted on 10 Cent Freeze Pops, 10/12/06)

Lyrics Analysis (She's Like The Wind)

She's Like The Wind

Lyrics by Patrick Swayze

She's like the wind through my tree (I almost hesitate to evaluate this line at all because it's so kind of famously cheesy and bizarre on its own. But I can't resist asking...what the hell does that mean, Mr. Swayze? She's like the wind...through your tree. Your tree? I don't understand. At all.)
She rides the night next to me (She rides the night next to me? Again....what the hell does that even mean? How? How do you ride the night? I know Lionel Richie talks about running with the night. Is this the same kind of deal?)
She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun (So let's get this straight...this chick a) is like the wind through your tree, b) rides the night next to you, and now c) leads you through moonlight only to burn you with the sun. OK. Cool. Quick question if you don't mind me asking....are you on drugs? Or have you been drinking paint thinner? Or maybe sniffing glue? Because I think you're experiencing a very large disconnection from reality here.)
She's taken my heart
But she doesn't know what she's done (SHE doesn't know what she's done? Well, that makes two of us. Wind through trees and riding the night and burning people with the sun. I mean, the whole thing is a bunch of crazy jibber jabber.)

Feel her breath on my face (Is breath on the face anything like wind through the tree?)
Her body close to me (That's kind of implied by the first line.)
Can't look in her eyes (Not even a peek? Why not? Is she like Medusa? Does she wear an eye patch?)
She's out of my leeeague (I added the extra "ee's" there. Had to be done. Awesome delivery from Patrick. Just awesome.)
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs (Probably right....but then...she is breathing on you and whatnot. Seems like she's buying whatever you're selling. Man up, bro. Cut the sad sack routine.)
She's like the wind (Stop with the wind. Just let it go.)
(SOLO)

I look in the mirror and all I see
Is a young old man with only a dream (Funny. You'd think a phrase like "young old man" would be the easiest thing to rip on in the entire song. I actually don't mind it. A "young old man"...I can see that. I doubt it applies in this case. But it's not as bad as it sounds.) Am I just fooling myself (Probably. You're probably hallucinating too for what that's worth.)
That she'll stop the pain
Living without her
I'd go insane (I'm pretty sure you're totally insane either way.)

Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me (Could've used "adjacent" here to mix it up. Opportunity lost in my book.)Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my leeeague (She's all over you, man. Cowboy up!)
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs (You know what? I don't buy this act. Not from Patrick F-ing Swayze. It's false humility. Drop it, Patrick. You're better than that.)
She's like the wind

(Fade to whatever....)

(Originally posted on 10 Cent Freeze Pops, 10/12/06)

Old S.I. Review (October 21, 1991)

Back with another summary from an old Sports Illustrated. This one is from October '91 and features Kirby Puckett on the cover with the headline "Twins Peak." Kirby had just led Minnesota past Toronto in the ALCS. Pittsburgh had a 3-2 lead over Atlanta in the NLCS. Los Angeles had two pro football teams. Joe Montana had an ailing elbow. And everyone was set for the Tyson-Holyfield superfight to take place in about a month. Let's take a look inside...

At least they weren't doing the Tomahawk Chop....

In case anyone was wondering if there's a giant picture in the front of the issue of Ted Turner (wearing a 1991 NL Western Division Champions hat and tinted shades) and Jimmy Carter (looking absolutely delighted) doing The Wave at a Braves playoff game, the answer is yes. Yes there was. I have newfound respect for Jane Fonda though. She's sitting next to Ted and refusing to join in. Good for you, Jane. The Wave sucks.

Dream Team Feedback

In the Letters section there are 4 reactions to the selection of the original Dream Team for the '92 Olympics. Two of the letters praise US Basketball for not selecting Isiah Thomas, calling him "a crybaby" and "an insult to the word professional." One letter predicts the U.S. is going to struggle to win the gold which a)is laughable in a sense because that '92 team definitely did not struggle to win gold, but b)seems ahead of its time now. And the other letter basically argues that this is going to be the death of amateur athletics in the US.

Allez les Nords!

Reader Miles Tompkins of Nova Scotia was very fired up over Eric Lindros' refusal to play for Quebec and had this to say...

You're right, Bonnie Lindros. Who would want to be an 18-year-old hockey star in Quebec-beautiful town, good educational facilities, low crime rate, clean as a whistle. And yes, Carl Lindros, a lot of stuff is going to happen there in the next ten years-with the Nordiques' young talent (with or without Lindros), I'd say about four Stanley Cups.

Well, not so much. Quebec never won a Cup. And, of course, in 1995 they relocated to Colorado. But Colorado did win the Cup in '96 with some of that young talent that Miles was talking about in '91. And they won another one in 2001. So Miles wasn't completely talking off his ass in suggesting Lindros would have been better off staying with Quebec.

Quotes

"It was really pretty easy. There were a lot of heavy coaches to choose from."
-Alan Brown, of Slim-Fast, discussing the selection process for a weight-loss competition they sponsored in '91 with NFL coaches. The winner? Chuck Knox over Art Shell, Dan Henning, Joe Gibbs, Bill Parcells & Buddy Ryan.

"I don't care if it's a boy or a girl as long as it's a shortstop."
-Meat Loaf's quote (yes, Meat Loaf---the singer) to a reporter before the birth of his first child.

"Zimmer, who did less than Morgan did as a Red Sox manager with more talent, will now serve as a reminder as to why the Red Sox haven't won the World Series in 73 years."
-Dan Shaugnessy (surprise) on the firing of Joe Morgan and the decision to keep Don Zimmer on as the 3rd base coach.

"Love the way you do that chop."
"I love your music."
-MC Hammer and Jane Fonda exchanging compliments outside the Braves clubhouse.

Stiffing Rijo

S.I. gave a thumbs down in October '91 to the Cincinnati Reds for refusing to award Jose Rijo a $62,500 bonus for pitching 205 innings. Jose won 15 games in '91 despite missing 5 weeks with an ankle injury and ended up pitching 204 1/3 innings.

Thanks Mookie

Here's my favorite thing in the entire issue....in the ALCS wrapup there's a mention of how Joe Carter badly sprained his ankle going after a ball in Game 4 and then valiently offerred to DH in Game 5 with the Blue Jays season on the line. Which he did. But he ended up going 0 for 5 with 3 K's and left 6 guys on base in a 9-3 loss that ended the series. And here's what his teammate Mookie Wilson had to say about it...

"If the man had been in a car crash, broken both arms and come out here clapping his hands, that would have been spiritually uplifting. But that was not what we needed. We needed hits. We didn't get them."

Hey, thanks for the support Mookie! Mookie, incidentally, retired that offseason and wasn't around in '92 and '93 when Toronto won back-to-back titles and Joe Carter hit one of the most famous home runs in World Series history.

Barry Bonds: Jerk in any era

The NLCS wrapup, which was penned with the Pirates holding a 3-2 lead (in a series they would ultimately lose) was (surprise) full of stuff about Barry Bonds being an ass. On the day of Game 1 (good timing) Barry called Andy Van Slyke "the great white hope" and cited race as the reason that he was signed to a long-term deal over Bonds and Bonilla. Then as Van Slyke addressed the issue with reporters in the locker room Bonds yelled over, "Hey Andy, don't listen to those (expletives), Great White. (Expletive) them guys. They're always starting something."

Bonds was 3 for 20 in the series to that point with zero RBIs and was so impotent that Bobby Cox had walked Bobby Bonilla twice to get to Bonds in key situations. But Barry was unconcerned. "I hope we win this so I can play in the World Series," he said. "You know what I can do. Everyone knows what I can do."

On Texas Owning Oklahoma

What comes around goes around, I guess. Much was made (until last year) of the fact that Oklahoma, under Bob Stoops, owned Texas. Well, back in '91 it was the exact opposite. Texas beat a favored OU for the 3rd time in a row in '91 so all the postgame talk was about how Texas had OU's number. OU coach Gary Gibbs played the part of (pre-National Championship) Mack Brown. Cale Gundy played the role of Chris Simms. Much was made about Texas getting all the breaks and being tougher than their more talented opponents. It's basically the exact article that might have been written in 2004 in reverse.

No Love for Chip Beck

Chip Beck shot 59 at the Las Vegas Invitational but nobody seemed to think it was all that big a deal because the course was too easy.

Articles Unworthy of Extended Discussion

A feature on Jason Hanson, the kicker. A feature on Oscar de la Hoya. A feature on athletes from former East Germany. I read them all and they were all largely uninteresting. I assure you.

Emmitt Smith

I almost included a long feature from Dr. Z on Emmitt Smith in the unworthy category except for the sheer ridiculousness of his high school stats. In 49 high school games he ran for 8,804 yards and 106 touchdowns. He had 100 yards or more in 45 of those 49 games. His high school coach summed it up as follows...

"For four years we did three things, and won two state championships doing them. Hand the ball to Emmitt, pitch the ball to Emmitt, throw the ball to Emmitt."

Good Thing Zidane Wasn't Kicking for the Illini

Illinois beat Ohio State 10-7 back in '91 for their 4th straight win over the Buckeyes on a 41-yard FG from Freshman Chris Richardson with 36 seconds remaining. Chris explains the trash-talking OSU was throwing at him before the kick...

"They were saying I couldn't kick it. They were saying uncomplimentary things about my mom. They knew I was from Dallas, and they told me to go back there. They knew how much I weighed. Everything about me, they knew."

Oh, and the QB for Ohio State that day? Well, the starter was Kent Graham. But the backup, who came in to lead two stalled drives? None other than Kirk Herbstreit.

Inside The NFL with Peter King

I'll just reprint Peter's Stats of the Week here...

-Redskins wideout Art Monk, whose seven catches in Sunday's 42-17 victory over the Browns gave him 756 in his career, needs to average 7.1 catches a game for the rest of the season to break Steve Largent's NFL career record of 819.

-A Don Shula-coached team had never trailed by 42 points, until Sunday, when his Dolphins were blown out of the water 42-7 by the Chiefs.

-In the 11 quarters since Jim McMahon went down with a strained knee ligament, Eagle quarterbacks Brad Goebel and Pat Ryan have thrown 10 interceptions and no TDs. Of 37 Philadelphia possessions in those 11 quarters, none reached the end zone, and Goebel and Ryan have combined for a quarterback rating of 16.4. McMahon is expected back next week.

Tyson-Holyfield Promo

Towards the back of the issue is a full page ad from SharpVision promoting the upcoming Tyson-Holyfield fight. Here's some of the copy from that ad...

It's going to be big. It's going to be punishing.
It's going to be one of the most explosive entertainment events of the year.

Actually, it's going to be none of those things. Tyson's going to go to jail on rape charges in a few weeks and that fight's not going to happen until 1996.

Final Item

I debated about what to end with here. On one hand, Richard Hoffer's Point After column (or what is currently the Rick Reilly space if you prefer) is the story of how Stanford, celebrating it's 100th anniversary, invited sister school Cornell out to California for the homecoming game. There's some hemming and hawing about the merits of such a move and discussion about how badly Cornell was going to get killed (which, ultimately, was 56-6). But in the end the general feeling is that the kinship felt between Stanford and Cornell (displayed in a quote from Touchdown Tommy Vardell) in this exercise outweighed any negatives.

And I was all set to end with that. But then I saw this on the "For The Record" page...

Rescued By Oakland A's outfielder Jose Canseco his 100-pound pet tortoise, Rafael, which had been wandering on the roadside near Canseco's Blackhawk, Calif., house. Rafael, one of 15 tortoises Canseco owns, escaped from its simulated natural environment (which includes moss, bark chips and a waterfall) built beside the slugger's backyard pool. Canseco, who was preparing to have all of the tortoises driven down to his Miami home for the winter in a customized van, located Rafael after a motorist used his cellular phone to notify police about the roving reptile.

 

(Originally posted on 10 Cent Freeze Pops, 10/5/06)

Lyrics Analysis (I Wanna Sex You Up)

Veteran Freeze Pop readers know the drill by now. My comments, as always, in red....

I Wanna Sex You Up
Color Me Badd (First of all, I love the extra 'd' in Badd. Somehow it makes sense.)

Come inside take off your coat I'll make you feel at home (Word)
Now let's pour a glass of wine cuz now we're all alone (That doesn't really rhyme but whatever.)
I've been waiting for you girl just let me hold you close to me
Cuz I've been dying for you girl to make love to me (And that rhymes "me" with "me." Well done. So far I count two uses of the word "cuz" and about 4 two-syllabel words out of 50. There's nothing here so far to suggest anything beyond a 1st grade education.)

Girl you make me feel real good (I think Shakespeare wrote that line.)
We can do it til we both wake up (No you can't. You can do it until you both fall asleep. But unless you're some kind of a wizard that can do it in your sleep that's the end of it.)
Girl you know I'm hooked on you
And this is what I'll do

I wanna sex you
All night
You make me feel good
I wanna rub you down
I wanna sex you up (I think we can all agree....a timeless chorus there.)

Let me take off all your clothes
Disconnect the phone so nobody knows (You don't have to disconnect the phone, you know. Simply letting it ring will do the trick. Only answering the phone would cause problems. And even then, you'd have to tell them what was going on for them to know. But you know what? Maybe you should just disconnect the phone. I don't trust that you won't mention the rubbing and whatnot.)
Let me light a candle
So we can make it better (Do any of the lines in this verse rhyme?)
Makin love until we drown (Until you drown? Why would that happen? Please tell me a pool is not involved.)

Girl you know it feels real good
We can do it til we both wake up (Shaking my head)
Girl you know I'm hooked on you
And this is what I'll do

I wanna sex you up
Makin' love until we drown (Fine. If you say so. I give up.)
I wanna sex you up

All I wanna do is
I wanna sex you up
All night
Girl you make me feel good
I wanna rub you down
I wanna sex you up (I may be off but I count 25 references to "I" or "me" to this point. A little self-centered, no?)

Make sweet lovin all night long ("Sweet love" or "sweet lovin?" "Make sweet lovin" sounds like something Tarzan would say.)
I wanna sex you up
Feels so right it can't be wrong (I bet it could be wrong though. And probably is.)
Don't be shy girl rescue me (From what? The drowning?)
I wanna sex you up
Open up your heart and I'll set you free (Doubtful)

(Originally posted on 10 Cent Freeze Pops, 10/4/06)

Old S.I. Review (June 26, 1989)

Thought I'd try out another concept that could evolve into a regular feature here at 10CFP. I've got basically every issue of Sports Illustrated from the last 35 years at my parents house. From time to time I like to grab a random issue and go through it. It's always interesting, with the benefit of hindsight, to see what how well things hold up. Plus, at the very least, you usually get at least one or two great old quotes or funny stories. So I figured I'd share my findings here.

At any rate, on to the review. First issue is from June 26, 1989. Curtis Strange is on the cover with the headline "Move Over, Ben" in honor of Strange's 2nd consecutive US Open victory which hadn't been done since Hogan did it in 1950-51. No particular reason for picking this issue. I just grabbed it off a pile. More fun when you have no idea what to expect. Here are some highlights...

The Johnny Carson Memorial "I did not know that!" Department

-In the Letters section there are no fewer than 6 letters concerning the sanctions that were issued by the NCAA against Kentucky's basketball program back in '89. The best one questions Kentucky's sincerity about cleaning up it's program based on the hiring of Rick Pitino, citing the 68 violations Hawaii's program was hit with in the late 70's when Pitino was an assistant. I had no idea Pitino was even at Hawaii. Or that Hawaii hoops suffered a two-year probabtion between 1977-1979.

-In the US Open story on Strange, written by Rick Reilly is in insert that highlights the four hole-in-ones that were made on the 6th hole in the Friday of that Open. I actually knew that part. I knew four guys had aced the same hole on the same day. And I knew Nick Price was one of them. But I didn't know how fast it happened. The immortal Doug Weaver made an ace at 8:15. Mark Wiebe made one at 9:25. Jerry Pate, two groups behind Wiebe, made one at 9:50. And Nick Price, in the group behind Pate, made his at 10:05. So the people sitting at the 6th that morning saw 4 aces in less than two hours. Not too shabby.

Random Quotes

-The Scorecard page has a brief bit on the resignation of Barry Switzer as football coach at Oklahoma in the wake of numerous violations and arrests that would ultimately lead to a 3-year probation from the NCAA. The best part is a blurb about an OU Finance major who wrote a letter to the Athletic Dept. at OU suggesting that they fire Switzer and abolish atheltic dorms before Switzer resigned. Switzer's reply, as printed in S.I....

Dear Mike,

This is in response to your letter to Mr. Loren Ellis, copied to me.

Mike, you haven't lived long enough for me to consider your suggestions and proposals of much value.

Sincerely,

Barry Switzer
Head Football Coach

-"I'm the baddest Bad Boy you've ever seen!"
-Rick Mahorn, still basking in Detroit's sweep of the Lakers to win the NBA title. What Rick didn't know at the time was that he was about to be shipped to Minnesota in the expansion draft. I imagine he must have been less than pleased when he got that news.

-"For the first time, there is a feeling that this is the formula to eradicate drugs in U.S. track and field."
-Frank Greenberg, president of The Athletics Congress on a new drug policy for US track and field. From 1989. Yeah, how'd that work out for you, Frank?

Kevin Mitchell Madness

My favorite article in the entire issue is a piece on Kevin Mitchell, who was leading the league in home runs at that point, with 24. Knowing what we know about Kevin Mitchell now (decent career with flashes of offensive brilliance but bounced all over the league and never ultimately fulfilled his promise) it's pretty funny to read the unmitigated praise and respect he was getting back then. Especially since Mitchell himself was not shy about tooting his own horn. These two quotes sum it up...

"In my 40 years of baseball, I've seen a lot of great hitters. But I can't remember anything like this. It's unbelievable."
-Giants Manager, Roger Craig

"Unbelievable? You think I can't keep this up for the whole year? You think it's impossible? Well, I can. Hitting is easy for me."
-Kevin Mitchell

Ads of note

-Pall Mall Cigarettes has a spread on the inside of the cover featuring a giant carton of smokes bursting through a pier. I'm guessing they might not be advertising in SI any more. Just a guess.

-Seagram's Light Whiskey has a tremendously cheesy ad. No fewer than 12 of the whitest white people in the history of white people sitting around some kind of ski lodge table with veggies and dip, laughing and smiling at each other.

-Dr. J appears in a generic yellow basketball uniform in an ad for Dr. Scholl's new Tritin cure for athlete's foot. "Tritin scores the first three-point play against athlete's foot," says the Doc.

-Miller ran an ad which had two coupons at the bottom. One was for $5 off a pair of "Brews Brothers" boxer shorts. The Brews Brothers, by the way, were penguins wearing boxer shorts and sunglasses. So maybe it's no surprise that the other coupon is for $10 off a pair of Gargoyles So-Cool Shades with a free Croakies sports cord.

Greyhound Racing: Wave of the Future

Another highlight of the issue is a 4 page article about how Greyhound racing is booming and horse racing is dying. They even use Wonderland (yes, THAT Wonderland) and Suffolk Downs as the case study. Here are some tidbits from that column...

"At Suffolk Downs the paint is peeling, the windows are splattered with pigeon droppings and the pitted asphalt is littered with hot dog wrappers from the sad little snack bars."

"By contrast, Wonderland is the Tomorrowland of racing....the track is bright and cheerful, with sparkling art-deco tile, neon lights and clean bathrooms. Bettors have their choice of pizza, calzone or a good-quality hamburger, and the bar is an attractive wood and brass pub."

"No greyhound track has ever failed or ever lost money." -Elliot Maisel, owner of 4 dog tracks.

1989 NBA Draft Preview

SI predicted the first round draft picks for all 27 teams. They got 4 of them right.

Inside Baseball With Peter Gammons

-John Dopson was cited in Peter's column for having committed more balks by himself (11) than any pitching staff in the entire league. (11 balks? Are you kidding me?)

-Under "The Price of Stardom" was this tidbit on the aforementioned Kevin Mitchell..."In March you could get the rookie card of Kevin Mitchell for 25 cents. Now the price has climbed to $6. (And I hope you sold at $6/card too. Because now? There's one Kevin Mitchell for sale on ebay for $0.35 and there are no takers.)

-Peter quotes an unnamed scout who claims that Ruben Sierra is the best player in the American League. People were legitmately upset that Canseco got the All-Star start over Ruben.

-Whitey Herzog and Lou Gorman are both quoted regarding their lust for Expos lefty Mark Langston. Lou says Boston will enter a bidding war with anyone if Langston becomes available.

 

(Originally posted on 10 Cent Freeze Pops, 9/28/06)